The weather for my wedding day is now on the 10-day weather.com forecast, meaning that something about that day has been predicted, is in the sights of scientists. I try to predict how I will feel, yet I know my prediction will be wrong. I have never felt the overwhelming grief I expect to feel at funerals or the overwhelming sense of accomplishment that comes with a graduation. Nothing seems to sink in in the exact moment and I’m sure that getting married will be the same.
A and I are already civilly married and have fought through a tough year, so I know better than to think that a marriage will change us (and since I like us the way we are, I am grateful for that!) But even knowing what I know about feelings, I wonder what it will be like. In quiet moments, I am worried about the hoopla. Something about me doesn’t feel up to the task of spending a whole day discussing my relationship with A with others. The thing is, throughout this whole cancer experience, people seem to have developed this image of us as a couple that just isn’t accurate. People keep telling me that we inspire them, that our love inspires them. Prior to the cancer, nobody ever said things like that. In most ways, I am less refined than my friends and my taste in men has always been nerdy. Because of this, I’ve always been the one my friends felt they needed to “help along” and nobody ever thought A and I were inspirational. Everyone has always thought we were dorks. And when it comes down to it, that’s essentially still the truth. The thing is, cancer didn’t change us. Yes, it sucks, but it hasn’t provided us with any revolutionary insight or perspective. We haven’t done anything special.
We love each other, but our love isn’t objectively special, it’s special to us. But here is this day devoted to our relationship and our love and I am so bored with it that I’m not sure I can maintain what people want to see the whole day. Our love is boring and I love that it’s boring. We don’t live a life of short dresses and cowboy boots, of fences with dates written in chalk, or cute signature cocktails. I don’t know how to make our love showy or inspirational or worth everyone’s fuss and I’m afraid that will be expected.
Cup of Pencils 