I was going to write a blog post today about clutter.  Yes, clutter.  I had two articles picked out to link, including one very fancy study from Princeton University about the effects of clutter on your brain and how we all have different clutter-tolerance thresholds.  Yes, I was really going to write a post about clutter.  Then I read this post from a friend who is a blogging pro and I almost felt sad looking at my life and thinking that the most interesting thing I could write about today was clutter.

What happened to my life?  I swear, I used to be interesting.  My life used to interesting; it used to have mystery.  I used to date boys who would cancel for ridiculous reasons.  My friends used to be my greatest support network.  I used to hate people who hurt and used me.  I used to want revenge.  It used to create interesting interactions.  I used to talk to my friends about all of these things and I had close friendships because of it.  I could give great advice.  Now, it’s been so long since I started dating A that I’m having trouble even remembering how different things felt much less understanding how to advise.

I’m married and so there is no drama in my boy life.  Because I’m married, living somewhere new, and mostly have older friends with stable support systems, there’s no dramatic friendship dynamic that comes from needing friends to be support systems.  When I meet new people we do different things together, but we don’t establish crazy bonds because we don’t really experience life together and we don’t have deep vulnerabilities.  Or we do, but we don’t share the burdens the same way we used to.

I think all of this changes when you have kids and you have to figure out how to handle things and how to react to them.  I think you develop deep friendships again bonding over insecurities and instabilities and the pressure.  But, A and I don’t have kids and we probably won’t for awhile.  Hopefully someday, but cancer just complicates everything. In the meantime, every time I send an e-mail about my life, my friends tell me that it sounds great, people have told me that they’re jealous, and yet I just feel lonely and boring.

I don’t have any solutions or ideas for fixes, but at least I didn’t blog about clutter!


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